I have the jam.

At work yesterday I was telling one of the volunteers, a pal, about my plan to get married in the parking lot next year, and that I've joined an over-50 dating site. 

"What I'm looking for," I said, "is someone to make toast and read on the couch with me."

The volunteer proceeded to pull out of her purse a jar of homemade rhubarb-strawberry jam she'd brought for me.
"Now you have the jam," she said.

So that was fun.

Today is a day off. I wrote to two men on the OurTime site--one I messaged, one messaged me first.

The first one is a potter. 

He'd posted a photo of footed pots. 

His pots aren't whimsical like the ancient Egyptian footed bowl in the MMA, but even the most utilitarian pot with feet has built-in charm.

I answered the four questions he'd set. Briefly:

Favorite movie? Seven Samurai 
This movie just keeps getting better. It's the most beautiful film,  it's full of character, humor and sadness, and you can learn a lot from it. 
So many personality types are represented.

I didn't write to the guy about this, but I'm reminded of a couple coworkers who complain a lot about how people they help are not grateful, are not nice.
I laugh. It's like the samurai who complain about the peasants.

My coworkers are naive and self-regarding to expect they will be thanked for doing good deeds. Sure, it's nice if you are, but if you do good deeds expecting people to be grateful to you, more fool you.

As the wisest of the samurai says,

"This is the nature of war: By protecting others, you save yourselves. If you only think of yourself, you'll only destroy yourself."

Family? I wrote, "Splintered. Is this a deal breaker? LOL"

Fashion style? Jeans. 

For me, I didn't say this, this question is emotionally fraught and shame triggering. 
Most anything men ask women about body stuff ("Do you exercise?/Do you 'take care' of yourself?") is code for "Are you fat?" 
I am a little fat. I put honest photos up, so that should take care of it.

Travel? I prefer people to places; when I travel, I like to sit in one place and get the feel of life there. 

Again, I didn't say this, but in fact, this is a complicated question.
It depends what you mean by travel. Right now, travel reflects to me a materialistic American consumer mindset:
"I like to burn huge amounts of carbon so I can zip-line above the rain forest."

Geez. 
Am I feeling crabby? 
I am!
And you know what?
The truth is, yes, I like to travel. Even if it's only biking into a new neighborhood--that's travel. And if I added up all the carbon that transported me to all the places I've traveled, it would be enough to burn down a good chunk of forest.
So, chill, self!


I see that I am panicking a bit.
I reassure myself: I need take this NO FURTHER.
If I don't like it, I can drop the whole thing.

Maybe it would be better if I skip any questions about looks and bodies for now.
Yes.

OK. 

Anyway, the second guy didn't trigger anything.
He wrote a nice note about books, saying he's the son of a librarian.
Yay!

I'd pushed bookishness in my profile because I realize how important books are to me more than ever, after spending two and half years with coworkers who don't read.

Also, harping on books narrows the field--hardly any of the profiles I looked at (about 50?) mentioned reading.

This guy was reading a book about Paris & Lyons in 1557.
I wrote back:

I had to look up France in 1557 (In case you doubted I was librarianish).
Eek! Horrible religious persecutions, I read, prologue to the St. Bartholomew Day massacres in 1572--"a citywide orgy of violence".

It's disheartening that we humans keep doing this to one another, but I find it weirdly heartening, too, knowing we are not alone in our time of social upheaval. 

He asked who my favorite authors are.
I don't have favorite authors, exactly. I read more for topic. So I took things he'd listed as his interests and matched them with books.

Opera.

Bel Canto, by Ann Patchett. I didn't like it much (don't even remember why), except for one thing.
An opera singer being held hostage for months begins to give voice lessons to one of her young captors, who turns out to have a gift for singing.
Someone muses:
What might we all be if our best selves were nurtured?
This question haunts me.

Sailing.

I've seen more movies than read books about sailing. Robert Redford's All Is Lost amazed me.  One of the last films I saw in a theater before Covid was the documentary Maiden, about the 1st all-women crew sailing an around-the-world race. Exhilerating!

Our Time. (The name of the site, but I meant the times we live in.)

I wrote about being cheered up and encouraged reading The Martian about an astronaut stranded on Mars. He keeps his spirits up while he tries to logically solve almost impossible problems of survival.

So, that was fun, but now I feel rattled, frightened. 
Will this be a lot of work only to end in humiliation or disappointment?

Is this a normal reaction?
I think so, don't you? to doing something I haven't even considered in seventeen years, ever since my mother's suicide. I loved my mother very much. Her death left such a toxic wake, for years after her death, I believed I could never love anyone new. 
I learned that's not true, but I haven't gone out looking...

Well. We shall see.
It's a good start. I will be brave like the Martian.


And meanwhile, for breakfast...
strawberry rhubarb jam!