Way will open.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of calmness and rightness.
Things that'd been rackety-packeting around my brain had come to rest, slotted into their right place, for now.

I've been unsettled in my job––as you may have noticed from my Posts of Distress (P.O.D.casts)––feeling confused, angry, etc.

Yesterday Big Boss came to me to discuss ways I could make more money at the store (without them giving me a raise).
He was asking me more about what I wanted...
To write more?
He'd thought I had more money in savings than I do, and that it wasn't a problem for me, earning so little.

That's how I'd put it when I started the job, in fact, when I loved the work so much I was happy to live in poverty for its sake.
Like when you're first in love and don't mind your lover's lack of x, y, z.
Later, you may reassess.

It was kind of sweet of BB to think about how I could stay at the store, but nothing he said touched my deepest concerns, which are not about money at their root.

It's like you fall out of love, and the other person notices something's wrong. They come to you with a suggestion about an irrelevant thing, which only makes it sadder.
Shall we change the grocery list?
Maybe you want something else for lunch?

It's not about the lunch.

I felt sunk in sadness all evening.
Overnight, the sadness washed away the confusion and left me feeling clear.

I don't want to find a way to stay in this job.
Management and I never aligned the way I'd expected/hoped at the beginning.
And now, we're totally out of alignment since BB turned management over to Ass't Man.
(Have I mentioned that one of my Black coworkers nicknamed A.M. Opie, the white boy from Mayberry?)

I relate to the Quaker saying, "Way will open."
You can push and plan and set goals, and that all has its effect, of course.
But I never know exactly what I want, just that it's time for a change . . . and that works in its way too.

There's a kind of grace in starting off down an uncharted road, trusting another saying: "you make the path by walking."

It's not the same as saying "everything is for the best" (which I hate), but it is a kind of acceptance: it is what it is.

I looked up "way will open" and especially appreciated this reminder [via]:
"Be okay with not having a solution for a time."

Yep. Not my favorite, easiest thing to do, but I am okay with that.